Born to be Buried

Wen Ning is used to losing things. Sometimes he thinks it’s his curse for being a fierce corpse, even though he never asked to be one, even though all his life he’s only wanted peace. He is even more used to feeling alone, watching the people he loves be snatched away from him. When he is summoned once again by Wei Wuxian, now in a different body, he thinks it will be different. He thinks that maybe he will have someone at his side, thinks maybe the boy he loved all this time loves him back. When he sees the way Wei Wuxian looks at Lan Wangji, he realizes how wrong he was.

Wen Ning doesn’t blame Wei Wuxian for loving Lan Wangji, how could he? Wangji is Hanguang-jun, Lightbearer, always showing up where the fighting is the worst, changing the tide. He’s one of the most respected cultivators in the land, people look at him in awe. Lan Wangji is perfect, and even Wen Ning loves him a little bit. Of course Wei Wuxian would fall for the most brilliant cultivator, second only to Wei Wuxian himself. They were meant for each other, it’s destiny. Wen Ning knows that Wei Wuxian never looked at him as anything more than a friend, a little kid who had growing to do. It’s not Wei Wuxian’s fault that Wen Ning fell for him after a single kind word, a single smile directed his way. It is not Wei Wuxian’s fault that he’s never fallen out of love with the man who brought him back to life. Wen Ning will keep his mouth shut, as always, as he watches the two cultivators fall in love, watches as he is left behind.

Wen Ning, who still sits silently at Wei Wuxian’s side. Wen Ning, the Ghost General, Wei Wuxian’s attack dog, an undead monstrosity. Watching the two cultivators together, he is reminded he can still feel the pain of loss. He’s lost his whole family, his sister lies dead, ashes scattered in the nightless city, and he wishes he could sob over it, but he can’t. All he can do is protect the one person he still has, the one person he’s been in love with for years, and if that means watching him love someone else, so be it. Wen Ning is no stranger to heartbreak, he has learned how to live with it, learned how to glue the pieces back together before someone even notices there is something wrong.

Wen Ning doesn’t blame Wei Wuxian for loving Lan Wangji, but sometimes he hates him for it.

He doesn’t want to hate Wei Wuxian, but he is made up of resentful energy, and it happens. When he sits alone in the dark, unable to sleep, left to watch over everyone else so that they remain alive, his anger boils under his skin. He hates that he is still alive, as this person even he does not recognize, the sins he has committed staining his body, unable to be washed clean. He can feel himself slowly forgetting the person he was, the person he wants to be again so badly.

He often wonders if people still see him for who he was, or if they just see the Ghost General. He wonders how many people remember the sickly little Wen boy he used to be, or the man who helped Wei Wuxian rescue the current Yunmeng Jiang sect leader. Wonders if there is any trace of him in history books as anything more than the murderer of Jin Zixuan. He wonders if anyone remembers him as a fine archer, or as the boy who drugged his own clan to save someone else. Wonders if anyone knows that he was beaten to death by the Jin clan, wonders if anyone would care. He pretends he is content with his fate. He is not.

Wen Ning used to be full of hope, his sister used to call him a light in the darkness, but like everything else in his life, that too was stolen from him. When he realizes he still has family alive, something that looks like hope sparks inside of him. He keeps it quiet, he does not want to disturb the boy, but the face that looks like his cousin ends up traveling with him, and Wen Ning cannot help but to become protective over him. It’s good, he thinks to himself, that Wei Wuxian asks him to protect the boy and all his little friends, because he can claim that the feeling he has is because of what his master has asked to do, nothing more.

But, despite that hope, Wen Yuan, his cousin, the only real survivor of the Wen clan, is now Lan Sizhui and it is a slap in the face. He is so grateful that he is alive, so grateful he is not alone anymore, and so angry that, like Wei Wuxian, Lan Sizhui has been stolen from him by the Lan Clan. He swallows his bitterness, keeps it tucked in the darkest place of his heart and tries to rejoice in the good. He tries not to hate Lan Wangji a little more, every time someone insinuates that Sizhui is Wangji’s son. He wonders what he did to the Lan Clan in a past life that meant they get to claim every good thing that has happened to him, that they get to absorb all his living loved ones into their sect. He tries to remind himself that he is lucky they are still alive, lucky Sizhui is able to grow into a reputable cultivator, instead of having him be sullied by the Wen name. He is lucky Wei Wuxian is alive and that Lan Wangji loves him so much that he is no longer being hunted by the entire cultivation world. These are things Wen Ning cannot give them, these are things that stab his heart.

He tries to focus on the spark of joy that recognizing Sizhui gave him. He hangs on to the fact that the perfect and talented Lan Sizhui has agreed to go back to their home to lay their dead to rest. He loves the boy and remembers what it is like to have family again. In Sizhui’s face he sees his cousin, in his talent he sees his sister, and when the time is right, he will tell Sizhui about them. Wen Ning holds onto his memories as best he can, for this boy, and if he refers to him as Wen Yuan in his head, that is for him to know. He is careful enough to make sure it does not slip out of his mouth, smart enough to know the minute he calls the boy by his real name in front of others he will ruin him. He would die a thousand times over, have nails pounded in his skull every day before he would do anything to hurt Sizhui. He has just gotten him back, he would never try to jeopardize that.

Because of this, Lan Qiren hates him. Wen Ning is aware of that, but Wen Ning does not care. When Lan Sizhui returns back to the Cloud Recesses, after building memorials for his blood family, so does Wen Ning. He will travel with his cousin on night hunts with his friends, he will protect them until his body is ripped apart if he must. He stays up late at night and once again watches over the breathing bodies, this time he talks to his sister as if she can hear him, and he tells her of the boy he loved, how he grew into the husband of the esteemed Hanguang-jun, how their “son” is their baby cousin. He finds peace in the things he can, and he tells all these things to his sister. He travels back to the Nightless City often, lighting candles and incense for his sister, after years of being unable to do so. There is peace in the action. He knows she is in a better place, and while he may wish for her to laugh with him again, for her to scold him out of love, he is content with what he has. He cannot bring himself to hate what he was left with.

So Wen Ning lives again, in some small way. He finds himself in the corner of pictures, hears his name being spoken with something other than hate, something he might dare to call respect. He finds himself learning to let Wei Wuxian go, he learns to at least respect Lan Wangji. He finds himself content with the little family he has. Wen Ning no longer looks into unmoving pools of water and sees the Ghost General. He finds himself again, in the ashes of the Nightless City, in the stories he tells Lan Sizhui. Someday, when the gods see it fit to let him into eternal rest, he thinks that he may now be allowed to see his sister again. He no longer fears what he might lose, but recognizes the things he has gained. Slowly, he feels like he is removing the curse upon his body, shedding it like a snake skin. He is not alone anymore, the people who he loves surround him on every side.

Wen Ning almost swears he can breath again.