Baby Boris

FADE IN:

INT - OLD, RUNDOWN SMALL AIRPORT BAG CHECK - DAY

MALE TSA AGENT stands by a full body scanner that clearly doesn’t work - he is going over each person with a body wand after they exit the scanner. There is one conveyor belt that is scanning luggage - with one tired, overworked FEMALE TSA AGENT manning it.

MALE TSA AGENT:

Next, please.

He waves the woman he just checked by, and motions the next man forward. The man steps forward, and places his bag on the conveyor belt, and begins to get wanded.

From the next MAN in the queue.

MAN:

(to bag next to him)

shhhh shhhh is ok

The bag lets out a whimpering noise.

MAN:

(pats the bag)

The bag squeaks. The TSA AGENTS do not seem to notice, although the three other people in the queue seem confused.

MALE TSA AGENT:

(to the passenger he just scanned)

Ok, you’re good to go. Next.

The MAN with the bag does not move, although the bag does.

MAN:

(kicks the bag)

MALE TSA AGENT:

Next! Come on, we don’t have all day.

The MAN picks up the bag and places it on the conveyor, he pets the bag before letting it go.

MAN:

(Thick Russian Accent)

Sorry, was busy.

MALE TSA AGENT:

Try not to be.

He begins to wand the MAN.

FEMALE TSA AGENT (OS):

Uh, Bill? I think you should see this.

MALE TSA AGENT:

(Grumbling)

Jesus Christ if it’s another sneaker bomb that’s just a sneaker I’m gonna quit.

He walks over to FEMALE TSA AGENT, camera follows him.

MALE TSA AGENT:

Jesus Christ!

FEMALE TSA AGENT:

I know.

MALE TSA AGENT:

Is that a…

FEMALE TSA AGENT:

A baby monkey? I think so.

MAN (OS):

(Concerned)

Baby Boris? He ok?

MALE TSA AGENT:

Mister, that better not be what we think.

Camera turns to face MAN

MAN:

Is my baby, Boris.

Camera turns back to the TSA AGENTS, both a little shocked and a little confused.

FEMALE TSA AGENT:

(flabbergasted)

But it’s… a monkey.

Camera pans back to Man, who is shaking his head.

MAN:

No no no, not monkey. Orangutan. Big difference.

Camera pans back to TSA AGENTS, who have now opened the bag to see that the MAN was correct, it is in fact an orangutan. The orangutan seems a little out of it.

MALE TSA AGENT:

Good God, what did you do to it?

Camera pans back to MAN

MAN:

Gave it bottle. Bottle with sedatives. Keeps baby Boris happy and sleepy.

The MALE TSA AGENT walks back over to the MAN, the camera is now focused on the two of them.

MALE TSA AGENT:

Sir, you cannot bring a baby animal onto a plane. I don’t even think you’re allowed to have a baby monkey.

MAN:

Is not baby monkey.

MALE TSA AGENT:

Fine, I don’t think you’re allowed to have a baby orangutan.

MAN:

Where is law that say so?

MALE TSA AGENT:

I mean, I don’t know if there is a law that explicitly states that but… (he trails off)

MAN:

So I good to go.

MALE TSA AGENT:

What? No!

MAN:

You just say, no law says that baby orangutan is illegal. So I keep baby Boris, and I board plane, yes?

MALE TSA AGENT:

Uh…

MAN:

Ok, I go now.

The MAN zips up his suitcase and begins to walk off, with the TSA AGENTS staring at him.

MALE TSA AGENT:

Wait! Come back!!

MAN:

Sorry, flight leaving soon.

The MAN waves and keeps walking.

MALE TSA AGENT:

Hey! Someone! Stop that guy!

FADE OUT